Harsh

Sometimes, despite my efforts at being distilled sunshine, it just plain doesn’t fucking work. Sometimes people are harsh and life is harsh. But, thus far, I have learned that life DOES go on. When that is no longer the case, I guess the harsh realities will end, as will all my efforts at that sunshine shit.

Life, I have been told, is what I make it. Beep…wrong answer. Life happens…just like shit happens. I have control over my choices, sure. I have control over with whom I choose to share my life, but beyond that, everything that happens down here on this planet Earth, this ground zero, is in the hands of someone else. I don’t know how the haves become the haves or the have nots become the have nots. I will never understand the tragic death of a child. None of it makes any sense to me nor will it ever. I’m on a treadmill moving forward when the energy is there, pausing or stopping when that energy lags, and then moving forward again, but somebody else has his/her hand on the controls. Life goes by pretty fast, I think. Yesterday, I was someone else completely. I don’t know whether to feel sad or relieved, but I think I should feel something. Don’t you?

I have some decisions to make in the very near future; the pisser is that the decisions I make impact others, towit, my 2 teenage daughters. The elder children’s lives are carved, at least initially carved. E&J still have to go with MY strengths. It kinda sucks to be them.

I got sick last night; have not been really up to par for awhile now, but I was REALLY sick for awhile. There’s something brewing just underneath the surface and when I get tired of feeling like ASS, I will go and find out what the solution(s) is (are). Gawd, it sucks to be a grown up. In the meantime, I will continue to plaster on that happy face and pray that no one notices, try not to verbally abuse too many people on the way to the cure and maintain. What else is there?

WW